Old Status Updates

• It's final. If I owned a movie theater, I wouldn't put any mirrors in the bathrooms (sometimes people like to pretend they look like the hot chick/dude they've been watching for the last 2 hours)...or maybe that's just me.

• a few things I've said as a parent that I NEVER thought I'd say: 

  1. "Gross, whose huge booger is this on the couch?!" 

  2. "Stop, do NOT put that quarter in your brother's butt crack" and 

  3. "No you may not have another drink of my beer

• my nighttime snack has me wondering: what in the world did that milk do to the pudding mix to make it so stiff in a jif?!

• I can't figure out why I can eat Bleu Cheese until the cows come home, but I find ONE nasty old cup of milk under my kid's bed and I just about yack. Is it because I'm so fancy?

• I'm pretty sure if I "shared the shelter of a single bed" with Bob Marley, I would be in for a night of stanky dreadlocks and cotton-mouth-farm-animal-pot breath snoring in my face. (and probably some Doritos crumbs)

• Sometimes when I know there's a cut on my finger, I use hand sanitizer anyway...it makes me feel dangerous.

• I'm thinking of snorting a small TV - just in case the bug who flew up my nose this morning survived and is looking for something to do

• I'm not 100% sure, but I think I would hump Cold Stone Creamery if I could.

• ME: "what is this little box in the freezer?" MY SONS: "oh, that's our fart cloud. We farted in there and froze it." ...and scene.

• drifting fuzzball, now that i know you are not a spider-please don't tell anyone how i screamed like a circus freak when you landed on my mouth.

• Unemployment is a great way to rediscover your inner "Saved By The Bell" fan. Zack Morris is still a dreamboat.

• Did you know that when you vaccum the carpet right beneath a ceiling fan, it makes sound effects like the Six Million Dollar Man?! I felt so bionic!

• I'm ALL up in George Foreman's grill right now! I think I have found what Bono was looking for.

• Judging by my polka skills, I must have a little Polish in me.

• Safe to assume the camera person from Man vs. Wild is wearing a gag. If it were me, I'd be cussing the whole time. SIDE NOTE: After watching a parched Bear Grylls drink water from a cactus...I've never wanted to be a prickly plant so badly!

• After floating down the Platte and soaking my lower bits in public water for 2 hours, I am hoping I don't come down with a case of PLATypus.

Fire One

These first few posts might be pretty boring while I learn my way around this site. I'm just going to post a few old Facebook statuses from '08 until I get the hang of it. Then, someday, I hope to weave glorious, witty & entertaining tales for you. Until then...hope these hand you a smile.

• I'm not sure that vegan-pumpkin-carob bread is my cup o tea. Needs more...animal. 

• Wondering if the baggers at the grocery store are good at Tetris.
•  I want to kiss the man or woman who invented adjustable waist bands for kids' pants. Absolute genius!

• "In the long run the pessimist may be proved right, but the optimist has a better time on the trip.” - Daniel Reardon  

•  I cannot tell a lie. I silently judge men by the way they hold their steak knife. 

•  How much money would it take for YOU to drink a cup of water from the hot dog pot?

• In an effort to give the pumpkin pie it's space, I moved to the pantry and devoured an entire tub of vanilla frosting...for no good reason. Seriously, what the HELL?!