I started this blog because friends of mine said I should. I don't always have something funny or interesting to say, but sometimes I do. Please scroll through and click around on here and hopefully you'll smile once or twice :)
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Posting Posting Posting
Using all my Tetris stacking skills while packing-up the car after camping.
mouths that look like they have a perma-dip/chew in their bottom lip confuse me
It's always nice to run into people who knew me when i was young. Especially when they passive-aggressively say to the person they're with, "yes, she was a BRAT. a bratty, snotty, BRAT."
Wondering who you have to pay to show up in the “Trending” section on Yahoo’s homepage... Seriously?! Ricki Lake?! What’s next? Tab Soda?
I feel bad for possibly stifling it's creative voice, but I might try and sell some leg warmers to the effing cricket beneath my bedroom window. I'm going with the "leg warmers are trending on Yahoo right now" angle.
Riding my bike to work today I saw a tree with a hole in the bottom and a squirrel peaking out. If there had just been a rainbow, a unicorn and some birds shaped like an “M” in the sky above – it would have been an exact replica of every childhood drawing I made
(playing 20 questions) me: "I'm thinking of something that starts with the letter B." My son: "Bassoon?" me: "no, but it rhymes with that word." My son: "bacroon?" me: "no, it's a real word." My son: "well thanks for NOTHING, Dr. Suess..."
Summer evening breeze, Oberon, live guitarist singing on the patio, happy & well-behaved kids, cute shoes...honestly - what more could a girl ask for?!
Cricket guts = yellow, squirt-y casserole beneath my feet. Gag me
Looking forward to my CPR class this weekend…could be the most action I’ve seen in a LONG time.
My favorite Hot Air Balloon Festival quote from my kid so far: "woah, Mom! That balloon is lower than Lindsey Lohan's career!"
My dad's advice over the years: "there's no room in life for bad moods", "just show-up and don't have vices that cost a lot of money", "be 'kind of' good at a lot of different things and you'll fit in anywhere", "always do just a little more than anyone expects", "scrub your vent"
Happy Father's Day, guys. Maybe you aren't the kind of dad you always hoped you'd be, maybe you're better than you ever imagined, maybe your baby is still cooking or you're a step-dad/boyfriend...I promise, your presence will make a difference. Thanks!
My boys agreed this weekend that I’m ¼ hippie. I’ll take it!
My kid just looked at my stomach/abs and told me I have a one-pack. Guess that's better than a keg.
My bra is in my purse. And I’m not sure how or why that happened. Once upon a time that would have been a sign of a fun & wild night. Now I’m afraid it’s a sign of middle-aged forgetfulness
Rhianna's hoe-bag songs make me feel like a fuddy-duddy. And I exercise my American right to choose a different station when she comes on
That was definitely some non-consensual pigeon action I just saw on the rooftop. Fowl play.
Being outside with the smell of burgers cooking, live music, wide open spaces for the kids to roll around and free beer...honestly, I must have been a seagull or a beach ball in my first life because I REALLY love that shit - like it pleases me way deep in my soul
I just keep posting
nobody will ever say at my funeral: "she had mad housekeeping skills". (I'm o.k. with that.)
when my kids crawl in bed with me, and lovingly jam their knees and elbows into my ribcage while we slumber - I just pretend it's a dramatization of my pregnancies. Only THIS time, I can walk away to sleep somewhere else and my boobs are smaller/longer.
went to sleep alone, but woke up with 3 nasty bedfellows: worry, doubt & fear. I said to myself, "these guys are SO 1988" and hopped in the shower with my trusty lovers: joy, hope & confidence. Those guys are so much more fun and WAY better for my image. This will be a great day.
I don't mean to generalize, but 98% of the transgender men I've seen are dressed like frumpy grandmas. If you're gonna do it, get your "Bo Derek" on baby - not this Bea Arthur shit. (if you want, it's up to you).
So, my young & hip co-worker made fun of me for still having a yahoo e-mail account. She’s like “what is this, the 90s?” (I was instantly reminded of the time I wore my brother’s Coca-Cola t-shirt with the sleeves cut off to Junior High and I overheard someone say; “is she poor?”) Yup, that’s me - clueless to the hipness.
I don’t understand why they say 30% chance of rain. Why not 70% chance of sun? Why is it “partly cloudy” why can’t it be called “partly sunny”? I propose that we change the weather verbiage. Optimists unite!
Had a fond memory of begging and begging (and FINALLY getting) a pair of Guess jeans in 1987. And wearing them until they were so tight I couldn't possibly breathe one more pre-pubescent breath while they were on because that was the only pair I'd ever get.
Thanks to growing up in the age of commercialism - every time I drink a glass of orange juice with my morning meal, I say to myself "and this is part of a complete breakfast"
Weird forefather fads that I'm glad didn't stick: Powdered wigs, wooden teeth, slavery. But that Declaration of Independence thing? REALLY good idea!
Game Carnies - the first level of peer pressure your kid will endure.
Prius: n. (pree-uhs) – a hybrid car with a very quiet motor. (so quiet that you and your brother can drive up behind two dudes who are walking down a dirt road passing a joint back and forth and they won’t even know you are there until you are close enough to actually HEAR them crap their pants.) Now THAT’S quiet.
Man alive. I don’t know what I did in my previous life to get so lucky & loved in THIS life, but I hope it happens to YOU on your next trip around so you can feel what I feel now… Loving & fun family, caring friends, good health and the ability to notice – lucky me.
If you position your kid's scooter just right in the back seat and make the handle stick out between the driver and passenger seat...you can use that foamy handle as a sweet-ass microphone while you're driving. It's true - it happened to me today and I frickin' rocked.
Today's tip: if your co-worker catches you talking on your banana like it's a phone... Keep talking-she might forget it's fruit and still accept you.
upon seeing me exit the shower, my precious son said: "OH, so when you have a baby your boobs are big, but after 8 years all the milk just stays in your butt cheeks?" me: "...Yup, pretty much."
sometimes I gauge my mothering skills by how much milk & laundry we've gone through in the week (this helps me decide: did we have healthy home-cooked meals? was there enough engaging conversation at the dinner table? Should I try harder next week?)...this summer week yielded: milk turned into 3/4 gallon of bleu cheese, sandy beds and bitchin' tans. I still feel like a pretty good mom.
the dead grass at is like a chalk drawing for the corpse of the festival.
Thank you, Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley, your self-hand-biting technique just came in handy during my slap & tickle at the pedicure shop!
After watching Green Lantern tonight I am begging you...Someone PLEASE give me some reasons to squash this crush on Ryan Reynolds before I fall asleep. I do NOT want to wake up making-out with my pillow!
Karen Carpenter and I do not agree. Rainy days and Mondays are actually pretty sexy…and both at the same time? Lookout!
It’s a good thing my bowl of attitude starts out full & positive most mornings-because this day is already trying to pluck out pieces bit by bit. Bring it on, Wednesday, I’m not afraid of you
A relaxing cup of coffee at the bagel shop tastes very different as soon as two 23 year old girls sit next to you discussing their upcoming wedding plans, hopes, dreams & other mislead controlling ideas of the way life is. I loved being 23, but I am very comfortable in my 37 year old skin
How do I measure love? By the little things that ground me- I ran home from work this morning just to smell my sons’ morning breath…and instantly felt comforted
Tell me the truth. Are the boys in the loud "bass-pumping, sub-woofer-pounding" car smiling because they enjoy being obnoxious or because their scrotums are being shook by the noise?
In my observations regarding people and eye contact, I have found: people will avoid it when they've cut you off in traffic, but they have NO problem whatsoever staring at their leashed dog while he tries to take a poop
one of the many silver linings to this heat (in a car with no air-conditioning) = instant Flock of Seagulls hair-do after any car ride. "and I ran, I ran so far awaaaaay"
I don’t know the circumstances, so it’s not fair for me to judge, but I feel so sad for the little boy watching T.V. while riding in the back of his mom’s car last night. He didn’t get a chance to see the way the leaves glowed in the moonlight or the way the crowd bustled outside the Ice Cream Shop in the summer heat
More
my son & I: "mom, when will I get my Adam's Apple?" "um, I think when you hit puberty-but we could look that up." "why do only the boys get them?" "I think it has something to do with the Bible and the man in the stories is Adam. but we could look that up." "It seems like the girls should get a fruit when they have puberty. Like...a peach." "...actually, they kind of do."
an air-conditioning vent on the floor next to the stove makes for interesting cooking when going commando in a skirt
So... If my kid sleeps over at your house and you smoke in your car and make him keep the windows up because "the air is on"... He won't be coming over again.
these things are on the same "this is way too personal for a couple of strangers so I'm avoiding all eye contact" list for me: early morning continental breakfasts at hotels, removing my belt at the airport security, rousing and leaving in a herd from an outdoor movie at midnight after you've fallen asleep on the lawn.
Oh dear, somebody warn me - am I about to fall in love with Ernest Hemingway during my reading of The Paris Wife? I’m 5 chapters in and it’s already begun. I just need to know if I should make some space in my heart.
Imagine my surprise! I went to bed with boring ‘ole dried-up Thursday and woke up with hot, sexy & promising Friday! I love the way that works.
The relevance of pulling out my Sony Discman to listen to my Book on CD while waiting in line at the Film Fest feels like I might as well pull out my Victorola! I'm so current.
I want to be the personal assistant for a famous comedian. Just watched Conan O'Brien's documentary and I think that's the job for me!
The fabric of my parachute has been sewn together by family & friends who love me no matter what. It was packed correctly and tight by my own karma & goodness, and a strong work ethic. Faith, to me, is knowing I can step off any cliff and that parachute will deliver me safely...somewhere. (If it breaks, dad will come and if I get hungry or cold - mom probably snuck a snack and a sweater in there, too.)
my boys learned a lesson in quick wit when presented with their first "helium balloon inhalation" opportunity tonight. You can't say just anything with that voice - it's gotta be something special.
my 10 year-old said "mom, that's getting a little old - you always cracking sarcastic jokes to strangers."
I mean NO disrepect when i say this: Realized this weekend how similar a Catholic Mass is to a Rocky Horror Picture Show. Except instead of toast, newspapers and yelling 'a-hole', it's different movements & words. I needed a virgin guide!
stumbled through my first blind date with jogging. not sure it's a love connection yet, but I will give it a fair shot.
The beauty of drool is - it’s clear. So when you laugh so hard that you spit all over your own face, nobody can really see it unless they’re right up in your grill.
4-way stops and ending the phone call require someone to take control. I will be that person – every time.
It's easy to let Summer sneak away when Fall shows up looking and feeling so damn beautiful.
Who knew binge drinking in my youth would help my parenting years later?! Dug into my bag of "how to stop the spins" tricks last night to help my kid fall asleep after too many twirly carnival rides at the fair
If it’s true what they say about guys driving huge trucks trying to compensate for tiny man parts…those guys who drive the Smart Cars must need a side car for their junk
I love that beautiful moment when waking up and realizing...it's only 530 am, it's Saturday and it's raining. Guilt free snooze!
Grocery shopping on Saturdays gives me the sudden urge to spawn. I feel like an egg-dropping salmon in those crowded, flowing aisles
I'm surprised with my love of cotton candy that I didn't eat more insulation as a kid.
Yup
It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a block full of "helpful" Midwesterners to guide me into a parallel parking spot (whether I need the help or not)
warm summer evening, skateboarding sons, a bowl full of fruit and a discussion of the different steps we each take to eat a cherry. Please let me never forget these moments
So…I just pretended my soul was a happiness cobbler and, as I sat in the sun on the patio during my lunch break, I imagined my crumbly topping was being slow-baked to trap in the sunny goodness. Should I be examined?
Me: "Boys, can you look On-Demand to see if they have 500 Days of Summer?" after scrolling, my 10 year old son: "They only have '5 Days of Porn' is that the same?" Me: "uh, no, don't choose that, please."
If you woke up this morning alive & healthy, had hot water for a shower, your favorite morning drink tasted just right, your computer was working, the car started, etc…just take a second and be grateful. (if not, try again tomorrow – unless the alive part didn’t work out, then you’re screwed)
dragged my boys to a Britney Spears concert (not a hit) - their main observation? "The people here are mostly girls...and guys who seem to be gay. And I'm pretty sure most of these ladies are NOT natural blonds."
The downfall to having your ex-husband set up any apps on your iPhone? The user names he might choose for you. Beware.
if your kid comes home from day camp with a gum beard...JIF peanut butter is your shaving cream savior. (Extra crunchy could've taught a lesson, but I only had creamy)
a good sign that your meat freezer stopped working is noticing a pool of blood on the floor in front of it. (gag me)
One of my favorite convos today: They came over the speaker at Borders and said, "just a reminder, Borders shoppers, all of our merchandise is 40-60% off." I said to my son, "I find it funny they'd say that with all these signs hanging everywhere." he said, "some people can't read." "True," I replied, "but then why would they be in a bookstore?" He answered, "maybe they came for the muffins.”
some people look beautiful when they cry. me? not so much. and the speed in which I darted for the door tonight (after sobbing in a dark movie theater while watching The Help), ranks right up there with "lights came up after last call at the bar" speed.
Please let my breakfast choice be my only bad desicion today. Lunchables?! Seriously?! (Drinking extra coffee this morning to convince myself I’m a grown-up.)
Today’s Office Lesson: When hogging all the Milky Way, Kit Kat & 3 Musketeers from the candy bowl at work – it is crucial to dispense the candy wrappers in several different garbage cans (not just the one by your desk) so nobody knows you’re such a pig
If there are numerous bachelorette parties in one bar...it has been my experience, that 9 out of 10 times... the least attractive party is having the MOST fun.
When you wear a dress to get a pedicure and the whole Vietnamese family is mumbling and chuckling...it's normally safe to assume it's not about you. BUT if a man comes out of the storage room with a towel, and the grandma lays the towel over your lap to cover your legs...it MAY have actually been about your vagina. Yeah, that just happened to me.
There’s a slight possibility there was an all-night raccoon rave in my car last night. My kids accidentally left the door open over night and judging by the amount of sand in my vehicle and the footprint placement…I think a coon had its way with my steering wheel. Rabies cleanse anyone?
Why is it that when my kid yells, “Mom! There’s a fly in the toilet!” my first thought is: “oh, great, we all have some freaky version of malaria and are pissing flies now.” Why can’t I just have normal thoughts and worries?
I don’t trust anyone who has an answer for everything. I CANNOT stand liars
Another Long List of FB
Even a Morning Glory needs to be admired in the evening sometimes.
I feel like a nay-sayer, a dream-crusher, a bubble-burster. My 9 year old set his alarm this morning for the Full Metal Jacket Drill Sergeant ring tone. After waking up to “SOUND OFF LIKE YOU HAVE A PAIR” he marched into the kitchen, cracked an egg into a glass and was going to drink it Rocky-Style. I’m all for “let boys be boys” but it was my motherly obligation to tell him about salmonella, right?
Oh man, I saw a glimpse into my son's future tonight when he proclaimed; "there's only one thing more suck-ish than mayonnaise and that's marriage!" (guessing he'll be a career bachelor who loves a tangy zip!)
ooops. Probably shouldn't have watched Ryan Reynolds in "The Proposal" before going to sleep. My pillow doesn't stand a chance once REM sets in.
one of life's surprises I will NEVER get sick of: a Lucky Charm marshmallow clinging underneath my spoon when I thought it was a boring ole spoonful of only oat parts :)
It's funny the things I can convince myself of when being trailed by a cop for 20 miles. (top thoughts: someone probably hid a pound of weed and some immigrants in my undercarriage and the cop knows it. Also, I WILL do a Tawny Kataine/Whitesnake routine on the hood of my car if he pulls me over-if it helps avoid a ticket)
I was trying to remember how I used to fight boredom when I was old enough to stay home alone after school, and it came to me...ah yes...Spice Channel. (This explains so much)
People who think they'd be a better President, football coach, superintendent or whatever... you don't have all the answers, either. Nobody knows how to do it all properly. Not even you.
Pretty sure the only reason my kids ask me to scratch their backs is a for free ticket to boss me around. "to the left, up, over, to the right, harder, to the right more"
Half the time, all it takes is…showing up.
in a brilliant marketing move a local arcade has stocked Coach purses in their prize bins. Now moms like me are dreaming of our next trip to their spot. 30,000 tickets?! C'mon Skee Ball, we got this!!
ladies, do you ever nag and nag and nag...and you hear yourself nagging and think "I sure do sound ridiculous, but I have to keep going because apparently I'm wearing my naggy pants today"? ugh, that was me today. I can see where that gets really annoying and we get tuned out by the ones we love/nag. Here's to tomorrow
Ah... the smell of Autumn leaves burning in the air...momentarily reminds me of those days of hotboxing.
just watched two ladies I know (both who don't understand body language/social clues on how to end a conversation) talking to each other...it was funny and painful to watch. I finally had to leave because there was no end in sight!
my son can jump from an 8-foot tree and pretty much land on his face, skateboard into a concrete wall and bust open his knee, wrestle and get rug burns galore - all without making a peep about the pain. But...he will scream bloody murder if it's time for bed and his brother so much as brushes the top of his toe accidentally. Perplexing.
Long List of Facebook Statuses
For me, being a grown-up sometimes means sitting through 401K & Roth IRA meetings - faking my nod and introspective glances when asked if “it makes sense.” I’m really thinking about sandwiches.
morning temp=my age. Brrrrrr. Wishing I was 72 all of a sudden.
Just had my day made! A mystery man just paid our breakfast bill and told the waitress it's because my kids were so well behaved! What a compliment!
I stopped keeping my ID easily accessible in my purse when I turned about 25. Now when I get ID'd I frantically race to find it in fear the server will say, "actually, you can stop looking for it - I was just asking to increase my chance for a higher tip"
If my day were an algebra problem...(shitty mood + kind words from a few friends) x (living only 5 minutes from work + rainy Monday) ability to fall asleep quickly = (lunch hour nap) (attitude reboot). I can dig it.
So, when people are getting a tour of our office, and I can hear them coming toward my area to introduce me, I pretend like it’s the opening credits of a cheesy sitcom. I imagine all the clever ways I can look up - right as my co-worker is saying my name…top ideas include: finger point & wink, toasting with my coffee cup, spin around in my chair with hands clasped, talking on my stapler like it’s a phone then giving goofy shrug/frown. Any other suggestions?
In search of participants for my clinical trial: Pinot Noir-Infused Fruit Fly Carcass Chew. Just one pinch in the lower lip should give an unbelievably mellow buzz. 100 fly cadavers=1 pinch. (These brave insects died doing what they love - hovering around my counter and pissing me off before they plunged to their death in my sneaky wine trap! I believe their spirit could be transferred to humans) Respond below if interested.
I know I'm about 7 years behind on this, but i just learned that Jason Bourne is a bad mofo and I want to makeout with his multi-lingual mouth hole.
I had to refrigerate my bananas due to fruit fly invasion and I’m not going to lie… Now I can’t stop touching the cold, sweaty, rock-hard banana that I stashed in my purse for today.
"Look past your thoughts, so you may drink the pure nectar of This Moment." ~ Rumi
"Mom, I wish I would've worn that sweatshirt" "yeah, I think that's how we learn" "well, I'd rather learn from other people's mistakes at least then I'd be warm and learning"
my kids' personalities never cease to amaze me...same batter, same utensils, same bowl, same oven - two VERY different cookies.
Mad props to the people who suffer migraines. I don't know how you do it!!! I get one twinge of a regular ole headache and I'm on a Motrin hunt like a crack wh*re!
STRONG note to self: you are a good person. But you have Man Hands. Shirts with ¾ sleeves make you look like a transvestite. Even if it seems like a good idea when getting dressed for work in the morning-you will regret it later. Please discard all ¾ sleeve shirts from wardrobe so as not to be tempted to try this again. K bye.
Pizza, sex and the American life...even when it's bad - it's still pretty good: how lucky that I was born in America to a great family in a beautiful town. Thankful to have a life with running water, indoor plumbing, electricity and more food than we can eat. Hope you feel lucky, too.
I predict one of those long-haired football boys is going to get scalped before the end of the season! Aren't there rules about this? Next thing you know, they'll be out there playing in open-toed shoes.
one of my new favorite hobbies is watching to see which version of the F word a football coach mouths on TV after winning/losing a game. This hobby ranks right up there with listening for the "titular line" in a movie. (that's the moment when an actor actually says the title of the movie as part of their line)
Mourning the loss of my youth and hipness today. Not only did I watch the Honey Badger clip for the first time and not think it was funny, but I also drove my son to middle school in my robe and curlers. Who am I? Edith Bunker?! Seeking reminders that I am not an old biddy!
browsing at Macy's tonight, I sprayed a perfume on my hand that I used to wear during a certain time of my life...now I keep sniffing my fingers like some kind of pervert just for a mini time-warp. Funny how a scent can stir up your psyche.
When I wear my black boots and a skirt – I feel like can do ANYTHING!
♥ I think about my life and I think, "f**k yeah" ♥
It's funny how drinking a few glasses of REALLY good red wine at night can lay a lovely & calming red velvet curtain over your brain when it's time to sleep...then in the morning, that red velvet curtain seems to be wrapped around your tongue - strangling and soaking up every bit of saliva you may have tried to produce during the night! Where's my butler? I need some water stat!
there are a few downfalls to running out of milk at home. The biggest one today seems to be that my son poured himself a whole glass of Half and Half and drank it without realizing...until the gut rot set in.
I’ve always noticed that the entertainers never see or hear the whole show the way the audience does. People are the same way…I love when friends point out how they see me. You know, we spend every day inside our selves for our whole lives, but our perception of ourselves is NEVER the way others perceive us. I’m so grateful to have people who notice who I am. I hope you have some, too.
For years, launderers have been puzzled by socks gone missing in the wash. Today, a grainy photograph was captured showing what appears to be a sock in mid-escape! "I don't know, I opened the door," said the girl "and it seemed to be heading behind the drum wall of the washer." Could this be the answer to the age-old question; "Where the f**k are all my socks?!"
I feel so conflicted! As a germ-a-phobe who is also turned on by shiny football pants...I have many mixed feelings about those Quarterbacks licking their dirty fingers so often!
“You are like a sunshine gas station where everyone likes to stop at your desk and fill-up. “ ~ my boss to me. (yeah, my day has officially been made) :)
you know you want something when you say to yourself "ok, if I brush my teeth and it tastes minty, then I'm doing it" :)
I propose a new rule...the kids should sleep-in one hour for every beer mommy drank last night. Ouch.
While having one bumper sticker on your car might prove a point, having the ENTIRE back of your car covered in bumper stickers only proves the point that you are too opinionated. (in my opinion)
If I could do everything as quickly as I eat chocolate bars, this world wouldn’t stand a chance against me.
Eating around the huge juicy bruise on my crisp and tasty apple reminds me of that horny guy on the dance floor who all the girls try to avoid. No matter how much you pretend he’s not there, eventually he will bump into you with his squishy and nasty moistness.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)