FB Updates 8

Spring Break 2011! I played shortstop for Team Cockblock today against the young couple sitting next to me in the theater. They stole 2nd base but, thankfully, never made it to 3rd

Its days like this that I’m thankful for my Attitude Wardrobe: After a night of no sleep, I had to dig deep to find my “patience” pants, my “it’s not that bad” socks, “it could always be worse” shirt, and –just to keep me on my toes - a REALLY high & tight pair of “you can still be sexy with bags under your eyes” underwear. C’mon, Wednesday, let’s DO this!

After streaming Mariachi music through my computer all morning, it’s been confirmed: I’m conditioned to crave margaritas, chips & salsa when I hear a trumpet and a Mexican man yell in a high-pitched voice, “ah-ha-ha”.

Sometimes when people "wave me through" a four-way stop, I feel like rolling down my window and saying, "...just so we're clear, I went because I wanted to, not because YOU suggested it."

The main reason why I work so hard to build strong friendships in the workplace? Because of days like today when someone brings in bagels and I end up accosting everyone with my Garlic Bagel/Coffee Breath. This cannot be tolerated by a mere acquaintance.

When I die, I hope to come back as the rainbow from a glass prism. So, if you miss me- get one and watch for me…and when I show up on your wall or hand or wherever, smile.

My toughest decision today - samoas or beer. Solution - both. I truly love my life. ♥

"No hurt survives for long without our help" ~ unknown

Closest I ever came to being a pig farmer - just stuck my finger in the raw pork shoulder as I transferred it into the crock pot. Close enough for me.

Tuna casserole trapped under my fingernail temporarily conjures up the longing for a summer's eve.

Today we achieved maximum communication in my home when I was taking a peaceful shower and my rambunctious 8 year old busted in noisily. I said, “Dude, please do NOT harsh my mellow.” And he said “ok” and did his business quietly! I know we’re not supposed to treat our children like our friends, but I can’t help it. I just really like those guys.

My co-worker: “I totally had to finger-bang my scanner to get it to work.” Me: “um. I don’t think you’re using the correct term there.”

Be your own reason for waking up in the morning.

The Spring air on my face is the same as an old friend~no matter how long it's been, it's as if no time has passed at all since we last shared a smile.

Paraphrased from a quote on my friend’s fridge: “when my kids bring me snake guts, tears, laughter and pure joy of life, may I repay them with patience, an even disposition and fair & loving discipline. May they always be as glad to know me as I am to know them"

FB Updates 7

I am so proud of my sons’ senses of humor, but apparently I need to teach them you’re just making fun of yourself when you bust out a “your mom” joke to your own brother.

Feeling a little alarmed to realize this morning that my eyes look like a couple of saggy old labia majora. What happened to my high and tight face?! Vagina eyes simply won't do!

Be careful, bank drive-thru employee, your work space is a behavior aquarium. Even though your co-worker can’t see those bitchy looks you’re giving her behind her back…I can. And I could very easily slip her a note.

Yesterday I was listening to an NPR show about a disease and I felt like I contracted it just by listening. So today I’m going to listen to “Why Don’t We Get Drunk & Screw” by Jimmy Buffet and see how I feel. Fingers crossed!

Perfect morning for a worm hunt!
Worm count: 17
Number of robins trailing us giving us stink-eye: 2

So stoked with the results of my gheticure! (Ghetto Pedicure) You can do it, too! Apply granulated foot scrub, leave on under socks while doing housework, rinse, moisturize, admire.

This snow pleases me because I'm pretending the choices were: a) snow on April 17 or b) dig a ditch with the Kardashian sisters.

I am managing my workload this morning like a sweet game of Space Invaders: High priority emails (with your daunting red exclamation points)? Destroyed! Flashing voicemail light? Obliterated! Stacks of paperwork askew on my desk? Give me some time and I will OWN you.

some people drop ecstasy and go to New York orgies...I just go get my ear flushed by my Dr. Eargasms all around! (and my brain stem will stay its natural size.)

if my life is a guitar, then flossing in the morning is tuning my "boy, I sure am responsible" string.

FB Updates 6

The closed-mouth yawn tricks no one.

3 things I never get sick of: my BFF, the song "Crash" by DMB and I ALWAYS love me some grapevine during any exercise class.

I don't really remember the courtship, but it seems laundry & I have been spending Saturday mornings together for about 17 years. It's always there for me.

son: "hey mom, are we going to leave out carrots for the Easter Bunny tonight?" me: "um, I don't think we have any - we're a little low on groceries, we're kind of out of EVERYthing."
son: "well, at least we're not out of dignity." :)

I don't know which is more nerve-racking for me: the actual execution of the midnight Easter basket hiding, trying to purchase all that candy hoping our dentist doesn't see me at check-out, or really really hoping these plastic eggs from the dollar store weren't made in some Taiwanese sweat shop while I stuff them with jelly beans and keep checking my hands for foreign DNA.

Sour Patch Jelly Beans for breakfast? Hell yeah. Putting contacts in eyes immediately after eating them? Sting-y. Now my world looks a little sweeter, though.

as a person without testicles, I have guilt over the relief I felt today when I realized: the collective "ohhhh" was only because my son was hit in the nuts with a basketball, not because the ball went into the mosquito-larva infested cesspool/swamp at the neighborhood b-ball court. Not very empathetic of me.

If you have made mistakes, even serious ones, there is always another chance for you. What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down. ~ Mary Pickford

a little rhyme I made up while riding my bike home from work today: Gas prices are on the rise, that's why this bike's between my thighs. Four seventeen for a gallon of gas? This seat feels great beneath my...bottom.

Hey, rain. That’s cool that you busted into my VIP party and scared away my BFF, Sun. And it’s fine if you bring your mouthy friend, Thunder, and that annoying flashy douche bag, Lightning. But I swear - if that A-hole, Snow, shows up I will kick all of you out of here so fast you won’t even be able tell your Cumulus from your Nimbus. Dig?

There are only a few benefits I can think of to having freakishly huge man-hands like mine. ONE of those benefits is the amount of chocolate-covered raisins I can hide in my hands at 8:15 a.m. so no one knows my breakfast choice. The other benefits are better left imagined.

FB Updates 5

Oh, if only my Junk Email Inbox were correct - I’d be sitting at my desk waiting for a mystery Fed Ex package to arrive and my casino transfer would be processing any minute. Also, I’d be in for a wild night in the sack tonight with my newly enlarged man-tool. Why must you taunt me, Yahoo!?

Reading Snowflower & the Secret Fan. Feeling very grateful that foot binding and many other controlling traditions never made it over here. My heart aches for those little Chinese girls.

Stairway to Heaven was always the last song played at our Junior High dances. Whenever I hear it, it still triggers that memory of making-out as hard as possible before mom picked you up – hoping the chaperones didn’t come up to you saying “save room for Jesus”. (the song is 8:02 minutes long)

I feel it’s a conflict of interest to make coffee fashionable but not yellowed teeth. With my coffee addiction, I can’t possibly keep up with these whitening strips! I’m moving to England.

I am now going to brag about the brilliant goodies I created for the 80's theme dance at my kids' school tomorrow night...I call them "Gag me with a Spoon" - chocolate covered spoons with sprinkles. Like, totally.

Ahhhh… It’s a sunny-Bob-Marley kind of morning (minus the weed & munchies)

Wouldn’t it be great to have a key ring that allowed you to decide what’s happening on the other side of the door when you turned the key?!

I used to party, dance & stumble on beaches without spilling my beer. Now I rush to soccer, stuff lunches and scramble to work without spilling my coffee! Skills for life.

Cold Stone Creamery for dinner because I'm the mom and I said so!

Oh, man. If your kid comes running out of the shower yelling "too hot, too hot, too hot" 5 times fast (try it...you'll see my point) do NOT be worried about your parenting guidance & censorship. It's all good. Worry about your dirty mind? Perhaps.

"Be a fountain, not a drain." ~ Rex Hudler

FB Updates 4

Hi. Yes, I’ll take… More Time in the Day with a side of Less Work and an extra large order of Massage Boy at my Desk. And can you Super Size that? (and believe me, I understand the irony in logging on to Facebook to complain about my lack of time…)

The sound of steel drums is a snake charmer and my joy is a simple little serpent which is easily coaxed.

I will never understand pot-stirrers. True, I am a busy-body and I love to know what’s going on…but why must people create drama. Life is too short for this kind of pettiness. We are all here for the same reason, just chill the F out.

Today I have burned out two and broken one light bulb. I'm really hoping this is not a foreshadowing for the direction of my creativity.

All this time whenever I heard the phrase “the ball’s in your court” I pictured basketball. But now I’ve realized it’s really about TENNIS?! I guess there’s only one court in basketball, so I’m not sure what the hell I was thinking

Not sure what leaves the worst taste in my mouth: Listening to someone tell me something that I know is a lie or accidentally putting carrots and chocolate in my mouth at the same time. Tough call.

saying that I'm "running to the video store to return a movie" feels as current as saying "anyone want to play me in Atari?"

there's something really beautiful & dangerous about watching my kids run with a pack of neighborhood boys - digging and building bridges in a stagnant swamp. Meanwhile, I'm living an equally thrilling life by blindly reaching into the pockets of my 8 years old's pockets before washing his pants

best decision I've made in a long time: Audio version of Tina Fey's Bossy Pants on a portable listening device - read by Tina Fey. Hilarious. It's like hanging out with her all day! So far we've dropped off the recycling, made lunch, now we're going to work in the garden together. What fun! :)

As I walked down the hallway with a delicious steaming bowl of Carbonara, I smugly thought to myself, "See? I can eat in places OTHER than the kitchen because I'm one of the adults in this house." then...Karma knocked that bowl right out of my hand and made a big fat mess on to the brand new carpet. (Such a grown up am I as I claw at noodles on my hands and knees hoping nobody comes home.) Nice.

My Mother's Day Morning: Noticed the sun light through my eyelids before I even opened them. The A-List cast of birds are singing outside. Top that with a baby-daddy holding post between kids so they aren't fighting, a homemade card waiting in the hallway outside my bedroom and plans for a delicious brunch! Hope you all have your favorite kind of day, too ~ whatever it is. Happy Mother's Day.

Would it be wrong to wake up my boys, who promptly fell asleep at 8:00 pm and say, "ha! see? I TOLD you you were tired!"