FB Updates 7

I am so proud of my sons’ senses of humor, but apparently I need to teach them you’re just making fun of yourself when you bust out a “your mom” joke to your own brother.

Feeling a little alarmed to realize this morning that my eyes look like a couple of saggy old labia majora. What happened to my high and tight face?! Vagina eyes simply won't do!

Be careful, bank drive-thru employee, your work space is a behavior aquarium. Even though your co-worker can’t see those bitchy looks you’re giving her behind her back…I can. And I could very easily slip her a note.

Yesterday I was listening to an NPR show about a disease and I felt like I contracted it just by listening. So today I’m going to listen to “Why Don’t We Get Drunk & Screw” by Jimmy Buffet and see how I feel. Fingers crossed!

Perfect morning for a worm hunt!
Worm count: 17
Number of robins trailing us giving us stink-eye: 2

So stoked with the results of my gheticure! (Ghetto Pedicure) You can do it, too! Apply granulated foot scrub, leave on under socks while doing housework, rinse, moisturize, admire.

This snow pleases me because I'm pretending the choices were: a) snow on April 17 or b) dig a ditch with the Kardashian sisters.

I am managing my workload this morning like a sweet game of Space Invaders: High priority emails (with your daunting red exclamation points)? Destroyed! Flashing voicemail light? Obliterated! Stacks of paperwork askew on my desk? Give me some time and I will OWN you.

some people drop ecstasy and go to New York orgies...I just go get my ear flushed by my Dr. Eargasms all around! (and my brain stem will stay its natural size.)

if my life is a guitar, then flossing in the morning is tuning my "boy, I sure am responsible" string.