Yup

It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a block full of "helpful" Midwesterners to guide me into a parallel parking spot (whether I need the help or not)

warm summer evening, skateboarding sons, a bowl full of fruit and a discussion of the different steps we each take to eat a cherry. Please let me never forget these moments

So…I just pretended my soul was a happiness cobbler and, as I sat in the sun on the patio during my lunch break, I imagined my crumbly topping was being slow-baked to trap in the sunny goodness. Should I be examined?

Me: "Boys, can you look On-Demand to see if they have 500 Days of Summer?" after scrolling, my 10 year old son: "They only have '5 Days of Porn' is that the same?" Me: "uh, no, don't choose that, please."

If you woke up this morning alive & healthy, had hot water for a shower, your favorite morning drink tasted just right, your computer was working, the car started, etc…just take a second and be grateful. (if not, try again tomorrow – unless the alive part didn’t work out, then you’re screwed)

dragged my boys to a Britney Spears concert (not a hit) - their main observation? "The people here are mostly girls...and guys who seem to be gay. And I'm pretty sure most of these ladies are NOT natural blonds."

The downfall to having your ex-husband set up any apps on your iPhone? The user names he might choose for you. Beware.

if your kid comes home from day camp with a gum beard...JIF peanut butter is your shaving cream savior. (Extra crunchy could've taught a lesson, but I only had creamy)

a good sign that your meat freezer stopped working is noticing a pool of blood on the floor in front of it. (gag me)

One of my favorite convos today: They came over the speaker at Borders and said, "just a reminder, Borders shoppers, all of our merchandise is 40-60% off." I said to my son, "I find it funny they'd say that with all these signs hanging everywhere." he said, "some people can't read." "True," I replied, "but then why would they be in a bookstore?" He answered, "maybe they came for the muffins.”

some people look beautiful when they cry. me? not so much. and the speed in which I darted for the door tonight (after sobbing in a dark movie theater while watching The Help), ranks right up there with "lights came up after last call at the bar" speed.

Please let my breakfast choice be my only bad desicion today. Lunchables?! Seriously?! (Drinking extra coffee this morning to convince myself I’m a grown-up.)

Today’s Office Lesson: When hogging all the Milky Way, Kit Kat & 3 Musketeers from the candy bowl at work – it is crucial to dispense the candy wrappers in several different garbage cans (not just the one by your desk) so nobody knows you’re such a pig

If there are numerous bachelorette parties in one bar...it has been my experience, that 9 out of 10 times... the least attractive party is having the MOST fun.

When you wear a dress to get a pedicure and the whole Vietnamese family is mumbling and chuckling...it's normally safe to assume it's not about you. BUT if a man comes out of the storage room with a towel, and the grandma lays the towel over your lap to cover your legs...it MAY have actually been about your vagina. Yeah, that just happened to me.

There’s a slight possibility there was an all-night raccoon rave in my car last night. My kids accidentally left the door open over night and judging by the amount of sand in my vehicle and the footprint placement…I think a coon had its way with my steering wheel. Rabies cleanse anyone?

Why is it that when my kid yells, “Mom! There’s a fly in the toilet!” my first thought is: “oh, great, we all have some freaky version of malaria and are pissing flies now.” Why can’t I just have normal thoughts and worries?

I don’t trust anyone who has an answer for everything. I CANNOT stand liars