Long List of Facebook Statuses

For me, being a grown-up sometimes means sitting through 401K & Roth IRA meetings - faking my nod and introspective glances when asked if “it makes sense.” I’m really thinking about sandwiches.

morning temp=my age. Brrrrrr. Wishing I was 72 all of a sudden.

Just had my day made! A mystery man just paid our breakfast bill and told the waitress it's because my kids were so well behaved! What a compliment!

I stopped keeping my ID easily accessible in my purse when I turned about 25. Now when I get ID'd I frantically race to find it in fear the server will say, "actually, you can stop looking for it - I was just asking to increase my chance for a higher tip"

If my day were an algebra problem...(shitty mood + kind words from a few friends) x (living only 5 minutes from work + rainy Monday) ability to fall asleep quickly = (lunch hour nap) (attitude reboot). I can dig it.

So, when people are getting a tour of our office, and I can hear them coming toward my area to introduce me, I pretend like it’s the opening credits of a cheesy sitcom. I imagine all the clever ways I can look up - right as my co-worker is saying my name…top ideas include: finger point & wink, toasting with my coffee cup, spin around in my chair with hands clasped, talking on my stapler like it’s a phone then giving goofy shrug/frown. Any other suggestions?

In search of participants for my clinical trial: Pinot Noir-Infused Fruit Fly Carcass Chew. Just one pinch in the lower lip should give an unbelievably mellow buzz. 100 fly cadavers=1 pinch. (These brave insects died doing what they love - hovering around my counter and pissing me off before they plunged to their death in my sneaky wine trap! I believe their spirit could be transferred to humans) Respond below if interested.

I know I'm about 7 years behind on this, but i just learned that Jason Bourne is a bad mofo and I want to makeout with his multi-lingual mouth hole.

I had to refrigerate my bananas due to fruit fly invasion and I’m not going to lie… Now I can’t stop touching the cold, sweaty, rock-hard banana that I stashed in my purse for today.

"Look past your thoughts, so you may drink the pure nectar of This Moment." ~ Rumi

"Mom, I wish I would've worn that sweatshirt" "yeah, I think that's how we learn" "well, I'd rather learn from other people's mistakes at least then I'd be warm and learning"

my kids' personalities never cease to amaze me...same batter, same utensils, same bowl, same oven - two VERY different cookies.

Mad props to the people who suffer migraines. I don't know how you do it!!! I get one twinge of a regular ole headache and I'm on a Motrin hunt like a crack wh*re!

STRONG note to self: you are a good person. But you have Man Hands. Shirts with ¾ sleeves make you look like a transvestite. Even if it seems like a good idea when getting dressed for work in the morning-you will regret it later. Please discard all ¾ sleeve shirts from wardrobe so as not to be tempted to try this again. K bye.

Pizza, sex and the American life...even when it's bad - it's still pretty good: how lucky that I was born in America to a great family in a beautiful town. Thankful to have a life with running water, indoor plumbing, electricity and more food than we can eat. Hope you feel lucky, too.

I predict one of those long-haired football boys is going to get scalped before the end of the season! Aren't there rules about this? Next thing you know, they'll be out there playing in open-toed shoes.

one of my new favorite hobbies is watching to see which version of the F word a football coach mouths on TV after winning/losing a game. This hobby ranks right up there with listening for the "titular line" in a movie. (that's the moment when an actor actually says the title of the movie as part of their line)

Mourning the loss of my youth and hipness today. Not only did I watch the Honey Badger clip for the first time and not think it was funny, but I also drove my son to middle school in my robe and curlers. Who am I? Edith Bunker?! Seeking reminders that I am not an old biddy!

browsing at Macy's tonight, I sprayed a perfume on my hand that I used to wear during a certain time of my life...now I keep sniffing my fingers like some kind of pervert just for a mini time-warp. Funny how a scent can stir up your psyche.

When I wear my black boots and a skirt – I feel like can do ANYTHING!

♥ I think about my life and I think, "f**k yeah" ♥

It's funny how drinking a few glasses of REALLY good red wine at night can lay a lovely & calming red velvet curtain over your brain when it's time to sleep...then in the morning, that red velvet curtain seems to be wrapped around your tongue - strangling and soaking up every bit of saliva you may have tried to produce during the night! Where's my butler? I need some water stat!

there are a few downfalls to running out of milk at home. The biggest one today seems to be that my son poured himself a whole glass of Half and Half and drank it without realizing...until the gut rot set in.

I’ve always noticed that the entertainers never see or hear the whole show the way the audience does. People are the same way…I love when friends point out how they see me. You know, we spend every day inside our selves for our whole lives, but our perception of ourselves is NEVER the way others perceive us. I’m so grateful to have people who notice who I am. I hope you have some, too.

For years, launderers have been puzzled by socks gone missing in the wash. Today, a grainy photograph was captured showing what appears to be a sock in mid-escape! "I don't know, I opened the door," said the girl "and it seemed to be heading behind the drum wall of the washer." Could this be the answer to the age-old question; "Where the f**k are all my socks?!"

I feel so conflicted! As a germ-a-phobe who is also turned on by shiny football pants...I have many mixed feelings about those Quarterbacks licking their dirty fingers so often!

“You are like a sunshine gas station where everyone likes to stop at your desk and fill-up. “ ~ my boss to me. (yeah, my day has officially been made) :)

you know you want something when you say to yourself "ok, if I brush my teeth and it tastes minty, then I'm doing it" :)

I propose a new rule...the kids should sleep-in one hour for every beer mommy drank last night. Ouch.

While having one bumper sticker on your car might prove a point, having the ENTIRE back of your car covered in bumper stickers only proves the point that you are too opinionated. (in my opinion)

If I could do everything as quickly as I eat chocolate bars, this world wouldn’t stand a chance against me.

Eating around the huge juicy bruise on my crisp and tasty apple reminds me of that horny guy on the dance floor who all the girls try to avoid. No matter how much you pretend he’s not there, eventually he will bump into you with his squishy and nasty moistness.