The Bright Side: Old Status Updates

It's final. If I owned a movie theater, I wouldn't put any mirrors in the bathrooms (sometimes people like to pretend they look like the hot chick/dude they've been watching for the last 2 hours)...or maybe that's just me.

a few things I've said as a parent that I NEVER thought I'd say:
1. "Gross, whose huge booger is this on the couch?!"
2. "Stop, do NOT put that quarter in your brother's butt crack" and
3. "No you may not have another drink of my beer

my nighttime snack has me wondering: what in the world did that milk do to the pudding mix to make it so stiff in a jif?!
I can't figure out why I can eat Bleu Cheese until the cows come home, but I find ONE nasty old cup of milk under my kid's bed and I just about yack. Is it because I'm so fancy?
I'm pretty sure if I "shared the shelter of a single bed" with Bob Marley, I would be in for a night of stanky dreadlocks and cotton-mouth-farm-animal-pot breath snoring in my face. (and probably some Doritos crumbs)
Sometimes when I know there's a cut on my finger, I use hand sanitizer anyway...it makes me feel dangerous.
I'm thinking of snorting a small TV - just in case the bug who flew up my nose this morning survived and is looking for something to do
I'm not 100% sure, but I think I would hump Cold Stone Creamery if I could.
ME: "what is this little box in the freezer?" MY SONS: "oh, that's our fart cloud. We farted in there and froze it." ...and scene.
drifting fuzzball, now that i know you are not a spider-please don't tell anyone how i screamed like a circus freak when you landed on my mouth.
Unemployment is a great way to rediscover your inner "Saved By The Bell" fan. Zack Morris is still a dreamboat.
Did you know that when you vaccum the carpet right beneath a ceiling fan, it makes sound effects like the Six Million Dollar Man?! I felt so bionic!
I'm ALL up in George Foreman's grill right now! I think I have found what Bono was looking for.
Judging by my polka skills, I must have a little Polish in me.
Safe to assume the camera person from Man vs. Wild is wearing a gag. If it were me, I'd be cussing the whole time. SIDE NOTE: After watching a parched Bear Grylls drink water from a cactus...I've never wanted to be a prickly plant so badly!
After floating down the Platte and soaking my lower bits in public water for 2 hours, I am hoping I don't come down with a case of PLATypus.

The Bright Side

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Old Status Updates

It's final. If I owned a movie theater, I wouldn't put any mirrors in the bathrooms (sometimes people like to pretend they look like the hot chick/dude they've been watching for the last 2 hours)...or maybe that's just me.

a few things I've said as a parent that I NEVER thought I'd say:

1. "Gross, whose huge booger is this on the couch?!"

2. "Stop, do NOT put that quarter in your brother's butt crack" and

3. "No you may not have another drink of my beer

my nighttime snack has me wondering: what in the world did that milk do to the pudding mix to make it so stiff in a jif?!

I can't figure out why I can eat Bleu Cheese until the cows come home, but I find ONE nasty old cup of milk under my kid's bed and I just about yack. Is it because I'm so fancy?

I'm pretty sure if I "shared the shelter of a single bed" with Bob Marley, I would be in for a night of stanky dreadlocks and cotton-mouth-farm-animal-pot breath snoring in my face. (and probably some Doritos crumbs)

Sometimes when I know there's a cut on my finger, I use hand sanitizer anyway...it makes me feel dangerous.

I'm thinking of snorting a small TV - just in case the bug who flew up my nose this morning survived and is looking for something to do

I'm not 100% sure, but I think I would hump Cold Stone Creamery if I could.

ME: "what is this little box in the freezer?" MY SONS: "oh, that's our fart cloud. We farted in there and froze it." ...and scene.

drifting fuzzball, now that i know you are not a spider-please don't tell anyone how i screamed like a circus freak when you landed on my mouth.

Unemployment is a great way to rediscover your inner "Saved By The Bell" fan. Zack Morris is still a dreamboat.

Did you know that when you vaccum the carpet right beneath a ceiling fan, it makes sound effects like the Six Million Dollar Man?! I felt so bionic!

I'm ALL up in George Foreman's grill right now! I think I have found what Bono was looking for.

Judging by my polka skills, I must have a little Polish in me.

Safe to assume the camera person from Man vs. Wild is wearing a gag. If it were me, I'd be cussing the whole time. SIDE NOTE: After watching a parched Bear Grylls drink water from a cactus...I've never wanted to be a prickly plant so badly!

After floating down the Platte and soaking my lower bits in public water for 2 hours, I am hoping I don't come down with a case of PLATypus.

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