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 ·         Fasting for a doc appt today means no coffee this morning. Which means the nurse will probably have to note my chart “ridiculous, irritable and bitchy”. Great.

·         Adele is having throat surgery. Man, that surgeon has the huge pressure of working on one of the most talented throats in Hollywood (not counting Jenna James)

·         Halloween is hard because sometimes I'm not sure if people are dressed up or that's just the way they look.

·         Men's jeans: the bigger the pocket and the shinier the pocket design...the more likely he has a woman who dresses him. Just my observation.

·         One person’s rotten banana is another person’s banana bread.

·         let's be honest...dinner meetings with presentations consist of two parts: the part where everyone is listening, eating & holding in their farts and the end when everyone crop dusts in the hallway while they leave.

·         Ugly Sweater Party tonight - please don't let someone show up wearing a sweater that I actually own.

·         Holiday card ideas: photo of me and my family in matching sweaters standing in the woods with big smiles –OR- (the reality pic): Us in the living room – Pawn Stars on the TV, dishes in the sink, me surfing Facebook on the laptop, my kids wrestling on the floor and their dad playing Words with Friends in the recliner...All of us only partially looking up at the camera. Thoughts?

·         My 9 year old: "Mom, now that I know Santa isn't real - I feel really bad that I always ask for so much stuff! You spent a lot of money!"

·         Picked out a cute pair of pants from the sale rack on my lunch hour…imagine my surprise in the dressing room when I realized the TRUE deal “Buy one pair of pants - get free camel toe!” Such a generous sale

·         my predicted news story for 2012: Females of all ages are feeling inadequate due to Siri's extreme intelligence, patience and soothing voice. "I don't know," said Brian, "I just feel like my girlfriend isn't as attentive as Siri. She never knows where any good Chinese restaurants are and she always forgets to remind me of stuff. Siri just gets me."

·         FYI-if we have a lunch meeting together and I eat more food than you think a girl should be able to devour and then the server comes over and offers everyone dessert and we’re all jokey jokey “no, I couldn’t eat another bite…oh, you’d have to roll me out of here…blah blah blah”? I’m lying. I COULD fit in dessert and I will probably stop at the gas station after the meeting and get some Milk Duds.

·         In leading a training seminar, if you are going to offer the group these options: “Do you guys want the whole spiel or just the helpful tip”…you should be mindful of who is in the audience. My immature co-worker and I will have no choice but to suggest “JUST THE TIP” and then it’s hard for us to stop cracking-up or stay on track after that. Apparently, we're 14 years old.

·         I love how I become an instant bad ass gangsta when 2pac, Biggie and Notorious B.I.G come on. Throw ya hands in the ai-yah if you's a tru play-ah.

·         Me having two bottles of Mop n Glo under my kitchen sink makes about as much sense as Kim Kardashian owning a chastity belt. Let's face it...these things are futile.

·         I am both amused and disturbed that I live in a town where someone would kill a deer, strap it to the roof of the car, then make a quick run to Kohl's and Sam's before heading home.

·         my 11 year old: "did you know that whales used to be dog-like creatures before they evolved?" me: "I had no idea" Him: "man, I'd hate to be stuck in the middle of an evolution...you'd have a tail and legs and be all awkward" me: "how do you know we aren't in the middle of an evolution right now and some kid is going to be saying 'did you know humans used to have two arms and two legs' to his mom in 10,000 years". Him: "Woah" (both our minds were officially blown at that point and we just quietly chewed our Red Lobster cheddar biscuits).

·         today is my son’s official 11th b-day! in an effort to celebrate-we will reenact the joy and comfort of childbirth by cramming into a car and driving 6 hours to Chicago. Throughout the trip, I will periodically punch myself in the uterus, piss myself, squeeze my son's skull really hard, drop lots of F bombs, feel an overall contempt for my ex-husband and finally...light my vagina on fire, and cover my son with jelly. It should be a good trip. Happy B-day honey! I'm glad you were born

·         A toast to myself: may I have the self-control of Edward Cullen for the rest of this holiday season. That dude is an inspiration!

·         anyone else watching Jeopardy and afraid that Logan is going to go blind if he keeps clicking his clicker that way?

·         My parenting can be defined by this simple fact: my kid saw Newt Gingrich on TV and said "hey, there's Bobby Moynihan" (...this is the actor who PLAYS Newt on Saturday Night Live...) Mother of the Year.

·         I woke up with a morning-wood-neck. I feel your pain, men.

·         Thankful for hot water, healthy & good-natured kids, and my sense of humor

·         If these school lock-down calls keep happening I'm taking my kids and a ten pound bag of rice and moving Into the Wild.

·         "Promise Yourself"
The Optimist Creed
Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel like there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living person you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, and too strong for fear, and to happy to permit the presence of trouble.

·         Respond to every call that excites your Spirit. ~ Rumi ♥

·         "I'm a big fan of people being exactly who they are" ~ movie quote that I love and fully believe...

·         my 11 year old: "I think we should have more surprises in our life."
me: "surprise! you're grounded"

·         Grateful to live in a part of the world where the rain keeps coming and I don’t have to walk 80 miles with a bucket just to get water for my family. Thankful to have more food & sweets delivered to our office in one day than some countries have in an entire month..

·         woah...just googled Merry Fishmas to get the rules for a holiday Minute to Win It game and accidentally chose "Merry FISTmas". Not pretty.

·         that new Burger King french fry ad sparked a brief family conversation which forced me to notice something very wrong about myself:
youngest son: "I'm a handful stuffer"
oldest son: "I'm a tiny bite-taker...How do you eat your fries, mom?"
"um, I guess usually bite the tip and suck 'em"

·         my 9 year old: "mom, what's the point in creating life if it all ends in death eventually?"
me: (pulling an answer out of my ass because I've often wondered the same thing) "well, I THINK the point is to create relationships, experience love and exchange oxygen & carbon dioxide so the whole planet can keep doing that over and over again." (science nerds...how'd I do?)

·         ahhh...nothing says "Christmas scent" like the unmistakeable stench of a decomposing rodent stuck in a glue trap behind the stove. Like two tiny fists punching right up my nostrils, grabbing my uvula and choking me out. Blech

·         If you find yourself saying, “I need something more…” it’s time to look deep inside, take charge and make it happen.

·         I’m pretty sure my co-worker loves the new nickname I just coined for her. Tuna Caboose. I really hope it sticks!

·         you know how when there's a 2-ton metal vehicle speeding towards you at 55 mph? and they are in their own lane? and you ABSOLUTELY trust that they are not texting while they drive towards you and your loved ones? That's what I think about every time I start to check a text or email while I'm driving. Put. Down. The. Phone. It can wait.