Inquiring Minds

In an effort to "eat a rainbow everyday" I've been eating a sh*tload of carrots. What is "eating a rainbow everyday", you ask? Check this link here


And the carrots I choose are baby carrots. So, I've been wondering lately "where do baby carrots come from?" My first thought was: "When two carrots love each other very much..."

but then I realized that was no good. Next, my worst fears came to mind...these baby carrots were kept against their will. Held captive like some kind of veal.  Left to dangle with no chance of growing into the big healthy snowman nose it was intended to be:

or perhaps under heavy guard with no possibility of escape...

So, I did what any regular person would do. I googled it. So, in case you never knew, click here for a great explanation of where baby carrots come from. Now you know (and knowing is half the battle).

New and Improved

During my hiatus as a working human, I'm hoping to amp up my blog a little. Make some new friends and update it more with thoughts and stories...This post will stand as a testing ground to see what it looks like when I post links, pics, or other little nuggets of goodness. Like this --->

 

or this

 

Or even a little of THIS

Cyrstal Pit Persuasion

My boys are starting to have, what they proudly refer to as, “pit stench”.  I bought them each a trial size deodorant and brought it home so we could all slowly ease into this puberty thing.  Their father’s reaction surprised me.  He wanted to be sure the deodorant didn’t have anti-perspirant because “the body needs to sweat”. After a quick check, I saw that the deodorant I brought home DID have anti-perspirant, so I asked them not to use it until I figured out a better brand for them.

For several years, I’ve heard about the negative effects aluminum has on the human body; Causes Alzheimer’s, causes breast cancer, ruins your clothes – none of these a good thing.  So in my quest for a healthier future for my boys I’ve decided to try the aluminum-free route. At least if the deodorant doesn’t work, we’ll remember how bad we stunk because we won’t have Alzheimer’s, right? So I bought myself a crystal and vowed to give it a shot. Many people swear by this product, while others tried to convince me to run as far away as possible from it.  It’s basically a rock that you wet and then rub under your armpits instead of deodorant.  

Here is my experience with this crystal: 

Saturday-I soaped up extra hard in the shower so that I could get a really fresh start with the crystal.  I rubbed it on and it felt…normal.  As the day progressed my skin was feeling not so smooth. Little wafts of morning pits were drifting my way, but I stayed strong. A friend of mine told me it would be smellier than normal at first – but to stick with it until all the aluminum and poisons are sweated out of my pit chimneys. 

Sunday: what better weekend to help a friend on the farm in the extreme summer heat, than the first weekend with no anti-perspirant and a mere fossil as your odor stopper?! I went to help my friend bottle pears in her pear orchard. Reaching, stretching and sweating in the sun proved to be a great test for my crystal pits. My body odor didn’t seem to offend anyone and all living vegetation around me still thrived.

Monday: of all the days to be running late and unable to take a shower – the third day of crystal pits MIGHT be one of the worst.  Normally, in this case, I would take what I call a “whore’s bath” – deodorant & perfume.  SO, I wet the crystal and rubbed it hopefully on my already- smelly pits.  By the time I got to work, 10 minutes later, it smelled as if I had been using crutches all week and the pad parts that go under your arm were made out of chili dogs and had been rubbing against me.  I stuck with the plan, though.  On my lunch break I ran to a local natural foods store to search for a salt scrub a friend had recommended to take away the stench. I browsed the aisles and ended up asking an employee there to sniff my pits to see if they were as bad as I thought.  She said actually they weren’t bad at all.  From then on, I’ve been footloose and fancy free. I’m not sure if I’ve just gotten used to the stench or everyone else is just being polite/in a daze from my odor.

new

 ·         Fasting for a doc appt today means no coffee this morning. Which means the nurse will probably have to note my chart “ridiculous, irritable and bitchy”. Great.

·         Adele is having throat surgery. Man, that surgeon has the huge pressure of working on one of the most talented throats in Hollywood (not counting Jenna James)

·         Halloween is hard because sometimes I'm not sure if people are dressed up or that's just the way they look.

·         Men's jeans: the bigger the pocket and the shinier the pocket design...the more likely he has a woman who dresses him. Just my observation.

·         One person’s rotten banana is another person’s banana bread.

·         let's be honest...dinner meetings with presentations consist of two parts: the part where everyone is listening, eating & holding in their farts and the end when everyone crop dusts in the hallway while they leave.

·         Ugly Sweater Party tonight - please don't let someone show up wearing a sweater that I actually own.

·         Holiday card ideas: photo of me and my family in matching sweaters standing in the woods with big smiles –OR- (the reality pic): Us in the living room – Pawn Stars on the TV, dishes in the sink, me surfing Facebook on the laptop, my kids wrestling on the floor and their dad playing Words with Friends in the recliner...All of us only partially looking up at the camera. Thoughts?

·         My 9 year old: "Mom, now that I know Santa isn't real - I feel really bad that I always ask for so much stuff! You spent a lot of money!"

·         Picked out a cute pair of pants from the sale rack on my lunch hour…imagine my surprise in the dressing room when I realized the TRUE deal “Buy one pair of pants - get free camel toe!” Such a generous sale

·         my predicted news story for 2012: Females of all ages are feeling inadequate due to Siri's extreme intelligence, patience and soothing voice. "I don't know," said Brian, "I just feel like my girlfriend isn't as attentive as Siri. She never knows where any good Chinese restaurants are and she always forgets to remind me of stuff. Siri just gets me."

·         FYI-if we have a lunch meeting together and I eat more food than you think a girl should be able to devour and then the server comes over and offers everyone dessert and we’re all jokey jokey “no, I couldn’t eat another bite…oh, you’d have to roll me out of here…blah blah blah”? I’m lying. I COULD fit in dessert and I will probably stop at the gas station after the meeting and get some Milk Duds.

·         In leading a training seminar, if you are going to offer the group these options: “Do you guys want the whole spiel or just the helpful tip”…you should be mindful of who is in the audience. My immature co-worker and I will have no choice but to suggest “JUST THE TIP” and then it’s hard for us to stop cracking-up or stay on track after that. Apparently, we're 14 years old.

·         I love how I become an instant bad ass gangsta when 2pac, Biggie and Notorious B.I.G come on. Throw ya hands in the ai-yah if you's a tru play-ah.

·         Me having two bottles of Mop n Glo under my kitchen sink makes about as much sense as Kim Kardashian owning a chastity belt. Let's face it...these things are futile.

·         I am both amused and disturbed that I live in a town where someone would kill a deer, strap it to the roof of the car, then make a quick run to Kohl's and Sam's before heading home.

·         my 11 year old: "did you know that whales used to be dog-like creatures before they evolved?" me: "I had no idea" Him: "man, I'd hate to be stuck in the middle of an evolution...you'd have a tail and legs and be all awkward" me: "how do you know we aren't in the middle of an evolution right now and some kid is going to be saying 'did you know humans used to have two arms and two legs' to his mom in 10,000 years". Him: "Woah" (both our minds were officially blown at that point and we just quietly chewed our Red Lobster cheddar biscuits).

·         today is my son’s official 11th b-day! in an effort to celebrate-we will reenact the joy and comfort of childbirth by cramming into a car and driving 6 hours to Chicago. Throughout the trip, I will periodically punch myself in the uterus, piss myself, squeeze my son's skull really hard, drop lots of F bombs, feel an overall contempt for my ex-husband and finally...light my vagina on fire, and cover my son with jelly. It should be a good trip. Happy B-day honey! I'm glad you were born

·         A toast to myself: may I have the self-control of Edward Cullen for the rest of this holiday season. That dude is an inspiration!

·         anyone else watching Jeopardy and afraid that Logan is going to go blind if he keeps clicking his clicker that way?

·         My parenting can be defined by this simple fact: my kid saw Newt Gingrich on TV and said "hey, there's Bobby Moynihan" (...this is the actor who PLAYS Newt on Saturday Night Live...) Mother of the Year.

·         I woke up with a morning-wood-neck. I feel your pain, men.

·         Thankful for hot water, healthy & good-natured kids, and my sense of humor

·         If these school lock-down calls keep happening I'm taking my kids and a ten pound bag of rice and moving Into the Wild.

·         "Promise Yourself"
The Optimist Creed
Promise yourself to be so strong that nothing can disturb your peace of mind.
To talk health, happiness, and prosperity to every person you meet.
To make all your friends feel like there is something in them.
To look at the sunny side of everything and make your optimism come true.
To think only of the best, to work only for the best, and expect only the best.
To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own.
To forget the mistakes of the past and press on the greater achievements of the future.
To wear a cheerful countenance at all times and give every living person you meet a smile.
To give so much time to the improvement of yourself that you have no time to criticize others.
To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, and too strong for fear, and to happy to permit the presence of trouble.

·         Respond to every call that excites your Spirit. ~ Rumi ♥

·         "I'm a big fan of people being exactly who they are" ~ movie quote that I love and fully believe...

·         my 11 year old: "I think we should have more surprises in our life."
me: "surprise! you're grounded"

·         Grateful to live in a part of the world where the rain keeps coming and I don’t have to walk 80 miles with a bucket just to get water for my family. Thankful to have more food & sweets delivered to our office in one day than some countries have in an entire month..

·         woah...just googled Merry Fishmas to get the rules for a holiday Minute to Win It game and accidentally chose "Merry FISTmas". Not pretty.

·         that new Burger King french fry ad sparked a brief family conversation which forced me to notice something very wrong about myself:
youngest son: "I'm a handful stuffer"
oldest son: "I'm a tiny bite-taker...How do you eat your fries, mom?"
"um, I guess usually bite the tip and suck 'em"

·         my 9 year old: "mom, what's the point in creating life if it all ends in death eventually?"
me: (pulling an answer out of my ass because I've often wondered the same thing) "well, I THINK the point is to create relationships, experience love and exchange oxygen & carbon dioxide so the whole planet can keep doing that over and over again." (science nerds...how'd I do?)

·         ahhh...nothing says "Christmas scent" like the unmistakeable stench of a decomposing rodent stuck in a glue trap behind the stove. Like two tiny fists punching right up my nostrils, grabbing my uvula and choking me out. Blech

·         If you find yourself saying, “I need something more…” it’s time to look deep inside, take charge and make it happen.

·         I’m pretty sure my co-worker loves the new nickname I just coined for her. Tuna Caboose. I really hope it sticks!

·         you know how when there's a 2-ton metal vehicle speeding towards you at 55 mph? and they are in their own lane? and you ABSOLUTELY trust that they are not texting while they drive towards you and your loved ones? That's what I think about every time I start to check a text or email while I'm driving. Put. Down. The. Phone. It can wait.

Last one

Instant sisterhood ingredients: stop light, two ladies in their own separate cars, Adele's "Rolling in the Deep" playing on both radios, a glance, a smile, more belting-out. I really love these moments

Its days like today (when running very late) I’m glad I never bought into the whole “be a hot chick with lots of product” thing. Just throw on a smile and some heels and try to distract them with jokes

A big shout-out to blue jeans, today, as they make their weekly debut in corporate America for casual Fridays across the land. Gimme a D, gimme an E, gimme an N-I-M! Gooooo Denim!

I think back on my weekend and I wish a few things: 1 .Mike’s Hard Lemonade came with a gag or a stronger brain to mouth filter 2. Ice cream made me look as good & creamy as it tastes 3. EVERY group of days could be like this

My 10 year-old son wants to wear a tuxedo t-shirt to his 5th grade graduation. If you are wondering where to purchase one of those, it’s at Spencer’s Gifts. Located directly in the center of the big pink dildo section and surrounded by plenty of other completely normal bachelorette items. Funny, this is the one shopping trip my kid didn’t complain about

I realized this morning JUST how bad my commitment issues are. I can’t even drink from a coffee cup that boasts “I ♥ Las Vegas”. I mean, I like the town…It’s very entertaining, we’ve had some great times – but I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life there. It’s not you, Vegas, it’s me. And I just can’t commit to that sort of phrase right now.

Fruit Stripes Gum = Osmond Family Concert in my mouth. fancy package - no flava

Poor Father Earth – his wife seems to be menopausal and I bet he has NO idea what he’s in for!

Smartphones: redefining eyebrows' purpose as parents master the "yes, honey, I'm paying attention" eyebrow & chin lift while continuing to text/Facebook/check email/play angry birds

Posting Posting Posting

Using all my Tetris stacking skills while packing-up the car after camping.

mouths that look like they have a perma-dip/chew in their bottom lip confuse me

It's always nice to run into people who knew me when i was young. Especially when they passive-aggressively say to the person they're with, "yes, she was a BRAT. a bratty, snotty, BRAT."

Wondering who you have to pay to show up in the “Trending” section on Yahoo’s homepage... Seriously?! Ricki Lake?! What’s next? Tab Soda?

I feel bad for possibly stifling it's creative voice, but I might try and sell some leg warmers to the effing cricket beneath my bedroom window. I'm going with the "leg warmers are trending on Yahoo right now" angle.

Riding my bike to work today I saw a tree with a hole in the bottom and a squirrel peaking out. If there had just been a rainbow, a unicorn and some birds shaped like an “M” in the sky above – it would have been an exact replica of every childhood drawing I made

(playing 20 questions) me: "I'm thinking of something that starts with the letter B." My son: "Bassoon?" me: "no, but it rhymes with that word." My son: "bacroon?" me: "no, it's a real word." My son: "well thanks for NOTHING, Dr. Suess..."

Summer evening breeze, Oberon, live guitarist singing on the patio, happy & well-behaved kids, cute shoes...honestly - what more could a girl ask for?!

Cricket guts = yellow, squirt-y casserole beneath my feet. Gag me

Looking forward to my CPR class this weekend…could be the most action I’ve seen in a LONG time.

My favorite Hot Air Balloon Festival quote from my kid so far: "woah, Mom! That balloon is lower than Lindsey Lohan's career!"

My dad's advice over the years: "there's no room in life for bad moods", "just show-up and don't have vices that cost a lot of money", "be 'kind of' good at a lot of different things and you'll fit in anywhere", "always do just a little more than anyone expects", "scrub your vent"

Happy Father's Day, guys. Maybe you aren't the kind of dad you always hoped you'd be, maybe you're better than you ever imagined, maybe your baby is still cooking or you're a step-dad/boyfriend...I promise, your presence will make a difference. Thanks!

My boys agreed this weekend that I’m ¼ hippie. I’ll take it!

My kid just looked at my stomach/abs and told me I have a one-pack. Guess that's better than a keg.

My bra is in my purse. And I’m not sure how or why that happened. Once upon a time that would have been a sign of a fun & wild night. Now I’m afraid it’s a sign of middle-aged forgetfulness

Rhianna's hoe-bag songs make me feel like a fuddy-duddy. And I exercise my American right to choose a different station when she comes on

That was definitely some non-consensual pigeon action I just saw on the rooftop. Fowl play.

Being outside with the smell of burgers cooking, live music, wide open spaces for the kids to roll around and free beer...honestly, I must have been a seagull or a beach ball in my first life because I REALLY love that shit - like it pleases me way deep in my soul

I just keep posting

nobody will ever say at my funeral: "she had mad housekeeping skills". (I'm o.k. with that.)

when my kids crawl in bed with me, and lovingly jam their knees and elbows into my ribcage while we slumber - I just pretend it's a dramatization of my pregnancies. Only THIS time, I can walk away to sleep somewhere else and my boobs are smaller/longer.

went to sleep alone, but woke up with 3 nasty bedfellows: worry, doubt & fear. I said to myself, "these guys are SO 1988" and hopped in the shower with my trusty lovers: joy, hope & confidence. Those guys are so much more fun and WAY better for my image. This will be a great day.

I don't mean to generalize, but 98% of the transgender men I've seen are dressed like frumpy grandmas. If you're gonna do it, get your "Bo Derek" on baby - not this Bea Arthur shit. (if you want, it's up to you).

So, my young & hip co-worker made fun of me for still having a yahoo e-mail account. She’s like “what is this, the 90s?” (I was instantly reminded of the time I wore my brother’s Coca-Cola t-shirt with the sleeves cut off to Junior High and I overheard someone say; “is she poor?”) Yup, that’s me - clueless to the hipness.

I don’t understand why they say 30% chance of rain. Why not 70% chance of sun? Why is it “partly cloudy” why can’t it be called “partly sunny”? I propose that we change the weather verbiage. Optimists unite!

Had a fond memory of begging and begging (and FINALLY getting) a pair of Guess jeans in 1987. And wearing them until they were so tight I couldn't possibly breathe one more pre-pubescent breath while they were on because that was the only pair I'd ever get.

Thanks to growing up in the age of commercialism - every time I drink a glass of orange juice with my morning meal, I say to myself "and this is part of a complete breakfast"

Weird forefather fads that I'm glad didn't stick: Powdered wigs, wooden teeth, slavery. But that Declaration of Independence thing? REALLY good idea!

Game Carnies - the first level of peer pressure your kid will endure.

Prius: n. (pree-uhs) – a hybrid car with a very quiet motor. (so quiet that you and your brother can drive up behind two dudes who are walking down a dirt road passing a joint back and forth and they won’t even know you are there until you are close enough to actually HEAR them crap their pants.) Now THAT’S quiet.

Man alive. I don’t know what I did in my previous life to get so lucky & loved in THIS life, but I hope it happens to YOU on your next trip around so you can feel what I feel now… Loving & fun family, caring friends, good health and the ability to notice – lucky me.

If you position your kid's scooter just right in the back seat and make the handle stick out between the driver and passenger seat...you can use that foamy handle as a sweet-ass microphone while you're driving. It's true - it happened to me today and I frickin' rocked.

Today's tip: if your co-worker catches you talking on your banana like it's a phone... Keep talking-she might forget it's fruit and still accept you.

upon seeing me exit the shower, my precious son said: "OH, so when you have a baby your boobs are big, but after 8 years all the milk just stays in your butt cheeks?" me: "...Yup, pretty much."

sometimes I gauge my mothering skills by how much milk & laundry we've gone through in the week (this helps me decide: did we have healthy home-cooked meals? was there enough engaging conversation at the dinner table? Should I try harder next week?)...this summer week yielded: milk turned into 3/4 gallon of bleu cheese, sandy beds and bitchin' tans. I still feel like a pretty good mom.

the dead grass at is like a chalk drawing for the corpse of the festival.

Thank you, Squiggy from Laverne & Shirley, your self-hand-biting technique just came in handy during my slap & tickle at the pedicure shop!

After watching Green Lantern tonight I am begging you...Someone PLEASE give me some reasons to squash this crush on Ryan Reynolds before I fall asleep. I do NOT want to wake up making-out with my pillow!

Karen Carpenter and I do not agree. Rainy days and Mondays are actually pretty sexy…and both at the same time? Lookout!

It’s a good thing my bowl of attitude starts out full & positive most mornings-because this day is already trying to pluck out pieces bit by bit. Bring it on, Wednesday, I’m not afraid of you

A relaxing cup of coffee at the bagel shop tastes very different as soon as two 23 year old girls sit next to you discussing their upcoming wedding plans, hopes, dreams & other mislead controlling ideas of the way life is. I loved being 23, but I am very comfortable in my 37 year old skin

How do I measure love? By the little things that ground me- I ran home from work this morning just to smell my sons’ morning breath…and instantly felt comforted

Tell me the truth. Are the boys in the loud "bass-pumping, sub-woofer-pounding" car smiling because they enjoy being obnoxious or because their scrotums are being shook by the noise?

In my observations regarding people and eye contact, I have found: people will avoid it when they've cut you off in traffic, but they have NO problem whatsoever staring at their leashed dog while he tries to take a poop

one of the many silver linings to this heat (in a car with no air-conditioning) = instant Flock of Seagulls hair-do after any car ride. "and I ran, I ran so far awaaaaay"

I don’t know the circumstances, so it’s not fair for me to judge, but I feel so sad for the little boy watching T.V. while riding in the back of his mom’s car last night. He didn’t get a chance to see the way the leaves glowed in the moonlight or the way the crowd bustled outside the Ice Cream Shop in the summer heat

More

my son & I: "mom, when will I get my Adam's Apple?" "um, I think when you hit puberty-but we could look that up." "why do only the boys get them?" "I think it has something to do with the Bible and the man in the stories is Adam. but we could look that up." "It seems like the girls should get a fruit when they have puberty. Like...a peach." "...actually, they kind of do."

an air-conditioning vent on the floor next to the stove makes for interesting cooking when going commando in a skirt

So... If my kid sleeps over at your house and you smoke in your car and make him keep the windows up because "the air is on"... He won't be coming over again.

these things are on the same "this is way too personal for a couple of strangers so I'm avoiding all eye contact" list for me: early morning continental breakfasts at hotels, removing my belt at the airport security, rousing and leaving in a herd from an outdoor movie at midnight after you've fallen asleep on the lawn.

Oh dear, somebody warn me - am I about to fall in love with Ernest Hemingway during my reading of The Paris Wife? I’m 5 chapters in and it’s already begun. I just need to know if I should make some space in my heart.

Imagine my surprise! I went to bed with boring ‘ole dried-up Thursday and woke up with hot, sexy & promising Friday! I love the way that works.

The relevance of pulling out my Sony Discman to listen to my Book on CD while waiting in line at the Film Fest feels like I might as well pull out my Victorola! I'm so current.

I want to be the personal assistant for a famous comedian. Just watched Conan O'Brien's documentary and I think that's the job for me!

The fabric of my parachute has been sewn together by family & friends who love me no matter what. It was packed correctly and tight by my own karma & goodness, and a strong work ethic. Faith, to me, is knowing I can step off any cliff and that parachute will deliver me safely...somewhere. (If it breaks, dad will come and if I get hungry or cold - mom probably snuck a snack and a sweater in there, too.)

my boys learned a lesson in quick wit when presented with their first "helium balloon inhalation" opportunity tonight. You can't say just anything with that voice - it's gotta be something special.

my 10 year-old said "mom, that's getting a little old - you always cracking sarcastic jokes to strangers."

I mean NO disrepect when i say this: Realized this weekend how similar a Catholic Mass is to a Rocky Horror Picture Show. Except instead of toast, newspapers and yelling 'a-hole', it's different movements & words. I needed a virgin guide!

stumbled through my first blind date with jogging. not sure it's a love connection yet, but I will give it a fair shot.

The beauty of drool is - it’s clear. So when you laugh so hard that you spit all over your own face, nobody can really see it unless they’re right up in your grill.

4-way stops and ending the phone call require someone to take control. I will be that person – every time.

It's easy to let Summer sneak away when Fall shows up looking and feeling so damn beautiful.

Who knew binge drinking in my youth would help my parenting years later?! Dug into my bag of "how to stop the spins" tricks last night to help my kid fall asleep after too many twirly carnival rides at the fair

If it’s true what they say about guys driving huge trucks trying to compensate for tiny man parts…those guys who drive the Smart Cars must need a side car for their junk

I love that beautiful moment when waking up and realizing...it's only 530 am, it's Saturday and it's raining. Guilt free snooze!

Grocery shopping on Saturdays gives me the sudden urge to spawn. I feel like an egg-dropping salmon in those crowded, flowing aisles

I'm surprised with my love of cotton candy that I didn't eat more insulation as a kid.

Yup

It takes a village to raise a child and it takes a block full of "helpful" Midwesterners to guide me into a parallel parking spot (whether I need the help or not)

warm summer evening, skateboarding sons, a bowl full of fruit and a discussion of the different steps we each take to eat a cherry. Please let me never forget these moments

So…I just pretended my soul was a happiness cobbler and, as I sat in the sun on the patio during my lunch break, I imagined my crumbly topping was being slow-baked to trap in the sunny goodness. Should I be examined?

Me: "Boys, can you look On-Demand to see if they have 500 Days of Summer?" after scrolling, my 10 year old son: "They only have '5 Days of Porn' is that the same?" Me: "uh, no, don't choose that, please."

If you woke up this morning alive & healthy, had hot water for a shower, your favorite morning drink tasted just right, your computer was working, the car started, etc…just take a second and be grateful. (if not, try again tomorrow – unless the alive part didn’t work out, then you’re screwed)

dragged my boys to a Britney Spears concert (not a hit) - their main observation? "The people here are mostly girls...and guys who seem to be gay. And I'm pretty sure most of these ladies are NOT natural blonds."

The downfall to having your ex-husband set up any apps on your iPhone? The user names he might choose for you. Beware.

if your kid comes home from day camp with a gum beard...JIF peanut butter is your shaving cream savior. (Extra crunchy could've taught a lesson, but I only had creamy)

a good sign that your meat freezer stopped working is noticing a pool of blood on the floor in front of it. (gag me)

One of my favorite convos today: They came over the speaker at Borders and said, "just a reminder, Borders shoppers, all of our merchandise is 40-60% off." I said to my son, "I find it funny they'd say that with all these signs hanging everywhere." he said, "some people can't read." "True," I replied, "but then why would they be in a bookstore?" He answered, "maybe they came for the muffins.”

some people look beautiful when they cry. me? not so much. and the speed in which I darted for the door tonight (after sobbing in a dark movie theater while watching The Help), ranks right up there with "lights came up after last call at the bar" speed.

Please let my breakfast choice be my only bad desicion today. Lunchables?! Seriously?! (Drinking extra coffee this morning to convince myself I’m a grown-up.)

Today’s Office Lesson: When hogging all the Milky Way, Kit Kat & 3 Musketeers from the candy bowl at work – it is crucial to dispense the candy wrappers in several different garbage cans (not just the one by your desk) so nobody knows you’re such a pig

If there are numerous bachelorette parties in one bar...it has been my experience, that 9 out of 10 times... the least attractive party is having the MOST fun.

When you wear a dress to get a pedicure and the whole Vietnamese family is mumbling and chuckling...it's normally safe to assume it's not about you. BUT if a man comes out of the storage room with a towel, and the grandma lays the towel over your lap to cover your legs...it MAY have actually been about your vagina. Yeah, that just happened to me.

There’s a slight possibility there was an all-night raccoon rave in my car last night. My kids accidentally left the door open over night and judging by the amount of sand in my vehicle and the footprint placement…I think a coon had its way with my steering wheel. Rabies cleanse anyone?

Why is it that when my kid yells, “Mom! There’s a fly in the toilet!” my first thought is: “oh, great, we all have some freaky version of malaria and are pissing flies now.” Why can’t I just have normal thoughts and worries?

I don’t trust anyone who has an answer for everything. I CANNOT stand liars

Another Long List of FB

Even a Morning Glory needs to be admired in the evening sometimes.

I feel like a nay-sayer, a dream-crusher, a bubble-burster. My 9 year old set his alarm this morning for the Full Metal Jacket Drill Sergeant ring tone. After waking up to “SOUND OFF LIKE YOU HAVE A PAIR” he marched into the kitchen, cracked an egg into a glass and was going to drink it Rocky-Style. I’m all for “let boys be boys” but it was my motherly obligation to tell him about salmonella, right?

Oh man, I saw a glimpse into my son's future tonight when he proclaimed; "there's only one thing more suck-ish than mayonnaise and that's marriage!" (guessing he'll be a career bachelor who loves a tangy zip!)

ooops. Probably shouldn't have watched Ryan Reynolds in "The Proposal" before going to sleep. My pillow doesn't stand a chance once REM sets in.

one of life's surprises I will NEVER get sick of: a Lucky Charm marshmallow clinging underneath my spoon when I thought it was a boring ole spoonful of only oat parts :)

It's funny the things I can convince myself of when being trailed by a cop for 20 miles. (top thoughts: someone probably hid a pound of weed and some immigrants in my undercarriage and the cop knows it. Also, I WILL do a Tawny Kataine/Whitesnake routine on the hood of my car if he pulls me over-if it helps avoid a ticket)

I was trying to remember how I used to fight boredom when I was old enough to stay home alone after school, and it came to me...ah yes...Spice Channel. (This explains so much)

People who think they'd be a better President, football coach, superintendent or whatever... you don't have all the answers, either. Nobody knows how to do it all properly. Not even you.

Pretty sure the only reason my kids ask me to scratch their backs is a for free ticket to boss me around. "to the left, up, over, to the right, harder, to the right more"

Half the time, all it takes is…showing up.

in a brilliant marketing move a local arcade has stocked Coach purses in their prize bins. Now moms like me are dreaming of our next trip to their spot. 30,000 tickets?! C'mon Skee Ball, we got this!!

ladies, do you ever nag and nag and nag...and you hear yourself nagging and think "I sure do sound ridiculous, but I have to keep going because apparently I'm wearing my naggy pants today"? ugh, that was me today. I can see where that gets really annoying and we get tuned out by the ones we love/nag. Here's to tomorrow

Ah... the smell of Autumn leaves burning in the air...momentarily reminds me of those days of hotboxing.

just watched two ladies I know (both who don't understand body language/social clues on how to end a conversation) talking to each other...it was funny and painful to watch. I finally had to leave because there was no end in sight!

my son can jump from an 8-foot tree and pretty much land on his face, skateboard into a concrete wall and bust open his knee, wrestle and get rug burns galore - all without making a peep about the pain. But...he will scream bloody murder if it's time for bed and his brother so much as brushes the top of his toe accidentally. Perplexing.