List

• I'm not a man-basher, but for a group who seems genetically obsessed with golf and sex-how is it possible for them to almost ALWAYS miss a hole as large as a toilet or a hamper opening?

 

• The anticipation is sometimes greater than the storm.

 

• To fully understand the term “mixed messages” - observe an office staff as they discover, deny, then devour a box of fresh donuts in the kitchen.

 

• when the lights get turned out, and my boys let me rub their back while they fall asleep...I feel like it's my chance to choose: click save or un-do on the day's document.

• I wonder if dental hygienists are socially awkward. I would love to see an employee party...each of them only asking yes or no questions, always expanding on info about themselves – never expecting others to respond…

 

• Things to do before my next pedicure: 1. generously thank friend for the sweet gift 2. brush up on Vietnamese so I can tell if I'm being made fun of 3. build up tickle tolerance 4. teach my son the appropriate way to react to women with big boobs in the jiggling massage chair.

 

• …and once again I find myself with too much month at the end of the money.

 

• "When I do good, I feel good. When I do bad, I feel bad. That's my religion." ~Abraham Lincoln

• Should I be concerned when I tell my kid to go put on his pajamas and he comes out wearing nothing but a smile and a wrist sweatband around his junk?

 

• Hey coffee, what say you and me run away together?

 

• Games which include bobbing for anything should have phased out like polio and mumps.

 

• In case you are wondering: the number of piled pillows needed on one brother before he can feel the other one jumping on him is >6. And the number of ice cubes required down the shorts before a chilly lesson is learned = 2.

 

• I hate when I throw a bigger tantrum than my 7 year-old. This morning? Not my best effort in the mothering department...

 

• Show up with a smile in your eyes and a song in your heart and I assure you, most people will be glad you’re there.

 

• I never understood why guys think it's hot to hook-up with twins ~ couple of incestious freaks, if you ask me.

 

• sometimes I eat musk melon just because I feel bad for it. People hardly ever choose it from the fruit salad. :(