a little ole list

·         sort of wishing wrapping paper wasn't as crinkly and loud in case I ever want to sneak around the house with it at 11:00 pm. Happy Winter Thing to you, whatever it is you celebrate!

·     when one kid tells you your breath smells like the food truck from summer camp and the other kid says - no, I'm getting a hint of car tire...it's probably a good time to swab those choppers.

·         A sure sign for a great day: my purse inventory includes gum, a pair of tights & salami.

·     Crest Whitening Strips have met their match with the Pinot Noir Purpling Rinse I used tonight. I NEVER get a buzz like that with Crest.

·      If you love your dad the way I love mine, and he gave YOU his class ring from back in ’65 that he paid $34.00 for by working at Kroeger, I hope you would wear it, too – no matter how unfashionable it might be. ♥

·     Dropped two things this morning: very large, very stain-y blueberry smoothie immediately followed by a very inappropriate, very loud F-Bomb in front of my kids. Whoops.

·     When we were in high school, guys used to drive slowly past the volleyball courts in the summer to check out girls in bikinis, 20 years later - the new Buffalo Wild Wings is causing the same rubber-neck-driving-while-erect.

·     Clementines are the sluts of the citrus fruit gang: So easy and delicious but if you eat too many – you’ll probably get a mouthsore.

·     Today it felt like winter was leaving us. And I looked at it as: that asshole co-worker you never got to know, but now they are fired and you wonder…maybe you could’ve shared a few laughs if you’d tried a little harder.

·     I feel like a coke addict every time I do the tooth fairy bit...sprinkle the glitter onto the dollar bills, nervously sneak around from room to room, and finally...the adrenaline rush while lifting the pillow. Who needs drugs when you are a dork like me?!

·    In my short 36 years I’ve learned: the only thing that is ever as it seems is the fact that nothing is ever as it seems.

·     Need a mood enhancement? Do what I do - ski fresh hills in zero degree weather while the sun is shining on your face...and if "Hood Rat, Hood Rat, Hoochie Mama" comes on your MP3 player - you will feel excellent.

·         if it dangles in this house - it WILL be shot with a nerf gun. FYI.

·     Instead of that sign that says: "All Because Two People Fell in Love" at my house its more like "All Because Two People Made a Couple Kids and Constantly Try to do What's Best." Do they make those kind of signs?